I have written our story, scrapped it, and started again more times than I can count. My words never encompass how supernatural and miraculous becoming parents was for us. But I am going to share anyway.
I pray within our story, you find hope.
I pray within our story, you find peace.
I pray within our story, you discover how intricately God has planned your life.
——————————
On January 28, 2021, I was battling extreme depression. I was hopeless and broken. I had cried and plead and didn’t understand our circumstances. Everyday I saw families with children they didn’t prioritize, people getting blessed with babies on “accident”, and friends growing their beautiful families. I was bitter. I was jealous. I was angry. So angry.
Angry with my life. Angry with my body. Angry with God. Angry with doctors. Medical bills were piling up. Medications had wreaked havoc on my body. They had caused weight gain, hormonal and mood imbalances, hot flashes, etc. I had missed out on things because I was too physically or mentally drained, I just couldn’t. I had undergone surgery that was so much more painful than I anticipated. Month after month of negative tests. Monthly emotional roller coasters that I pray you don’t understand. I was drowning in my desperation, barely surviving. My want for a family outweighing the joy I could find in my “now.” I was not present, not content, and letting my life slip away.
And I was DONE.
I had made lots of deals and empty promises to God up to this point in our fertility journey. But I felt unseen. I felt unheard. I wasn’t owed this. But God had promised me I would be a mother. He promised me and now he was letting me down.
During my lunch, I was making a tuna sandwich, praying distractedly, and watching tiktok. Scrolling, crying, and praying. I was so broken. A mother showed up talking about how God speaks to her through her children and I remember that flare of jealousy at the blessing she had. I watched her cute videos of her son playing with her voiceover, but what stood out was when she explained her son was trying to climb something and his hands were full. He was dropping things, falling down, and not getting anywhere. She told him: “son, put some of the things in your hands down so you can climb higher”. She shared what God spoke to her in that moment but oh my goodness. What a concept. The holy spirit washed over me, from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet, and told me to let go of the things I was holding onto, give it to Him, and I would climb higher. So I did. For the first time, I truly let it go. I gave it to God. I felt peace unlike anything I had ever felt before. I had heard other Christians talk about this peace before but I had never felt it. In the midst of His peace, in the presence of God, my phone rang.
My good friend, Alesha, was on the other end of the line. She started with: “I don’t know exactly where you and Nick are with your journey and I don’t know if adoption is something you would be interested in but there is this family….” She proceeded to tell me about a family looking for a safe and loving family for their baby that would be due in about 4 months. I knew in my very being that this was our baby. The Holy Spirit confirmed to me that this was His plan all along. I told Alesha “yes”, let her know I needed to talk to my husband (because of course I wouldn’t make such a life altering decision without consulting my husband), and to share my contact information with the family.
The next 72 hours were hard. They were beautiful. They were scary. Filled with the unknown but more than anything else, for the first time in a long time, they were filled with hope.
Many people doubted. But the Holy Spirit remained with me, giving me peace. I can’t explain the supernatural knowing I had that this was the plan God had for our future.
It’s really easy to sound crazy when you confidently are saying you KNOW what is right when it hasn’t come to fruition.
In the darkness, God gave me hope. Gave my husband hope. God blessed us in such a miraculous way.
Today, our miracle turns one year old.
——————————
To Asher:
1 year ago today, your dad and I were eating breakfast and I received a text that your birth mom was not 6 months pregnant, but 8.5 months pregnant.
Your dad had a long talk with his dad and his Heavenly Father and at 2pm- I got a call from your dad saying you were our miracle.
Within 30 minutes of your dad’s call, I received a text that your birth mom was headed to the ER, thinking she was in labor. She invited me to be there with her and to experience all of your firsts alongside her. What a beautiful blessing. She labored so well. I threw up. I held her hand through delivery. I was so excited and so anxious to meet you.
At 11:04 pm on January 31, you came into the world. I cut the umbilical cord. I got to do skin to skin with you. Your daddy and I named you, Asher. Asher means “happy and blessed” in Hebrew. We had never felt more happy or blessed. I filled out your birth certificate.
You then spent 21 days in the NICU while our family got everything at home ready for your arrival. Blessing us in ways I still don’t feel deserving of.
Happy 1st Birthday to my greatest love & biggest blessing. You are truly a blessing from the Lord.
——————————
To you:
Adoption has always been special to me. This is a beautiful but small glimpse into what adoption looked like for us.
I hope to share more of our journey with all of you.
I pray that in your darkest of times you look for God’s light.
I pray in your brightest of times you are a light for those lost in the darkness.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
Thank you for reading.
Pathway to Purpose 